16 June 2008

The past 21 days mark a huge rollercoaster ride of emotions for me.

The trip to Hong Kong was equally rewarding and enjoyable. But I was easily tired and spent quite a lot of quality time sleeping during the holidays although which was unusual of me during holidays.

So, upon return and few days after that, I decided to do a test as I hardly missed my period even under stress at work. And true enough, I was pregnant !

I was definitely elated as it took me a lot of courage to try to get pregnant this time. An accidental pregnancy 10 years ago that led to etopic pregancy was terrified enough to put the thought off for a good 10 years. I was then very young and it came so suddenly. Marriage and parenthood for Alvin and myself was too much for us we decided to opt for abortion.

Unfortunately, the check up turned out that the foetus was actually in the fallopian tube and it will endanger my life if it keeps growing. So, a surgery (much complicated than abortion) was scheduled immediately to remove the foetus. Cuts were made in my tummy to remove it and I was told later on a follow-up check up that the foetus had actually died in the fallopian tube.

At that moment of time, I thought the etopic pregnancy was a blessing in disguise as it did made me less guilty that I did not take away a life intentionally although I have this thought at the beginning. The fear of getting pregnant and the repeat of the whole episode of etopic pregnancy is too terrifying for both of us.

10 years on and now that I think I am ready for motherhood did brought joy and happiness when I found I was pregnant. The first check up with a gynae assured this pregnancy was in the correct position and I can see the foetus in the womb ! How amazing is that ! And this is at Week 4.

A week after that, I discovered brown spotting and was asked to bed rest by the gynae. A precaution visit to the gynae and an ultrasound scan showed the foetus was growing slower than usual and heartbeat of the foetus cannot be detected even though it can always does at Week 5. The gynae scheduled for another review 1 week later. If there is still no heartbeat by Week 6, it is evident the foetus is not healthy and I cannot keep it anymore.

I was totally saddened and dazed. I took half a day off from office as I was very confused. It did disrupt the office at that moment of time as we are downed to 3 staffs (including myself) only. Luckily, help came at the last minute which I am truly gratified of. My request for off really came at the wrong time and I felt bad about it.

I went 4-horse road before going home, hoping Guanyin niang niang can blessed my baby. My mind wondered the whole day with negative and positive thoughts. I returned to office the next day, much composed as I cannot let my private matter affect my work and the office.

And finally, the visit to the gynae came and I braved myself for any outcome. I knew what is happening when I saw the foetus during the altrasound scan. It hardly grew during the week and the gynae further confirmed there is still not heartbeat. She went on th further explained the progress I should be experiencing during the first 8 weeks of pregnancy and I am not progressing as normally. It was confirmed the foetus was not healthy and it may just stop growing. In this circumstances, it has to be 'washed' off and this is termed as miscarriage.

My tears flowed like the tap when I heard the word 'miscarriage'. I can literally felt my heart wringed at that very second. Th gynae went on to explain there is no scientific research evident to show what contirbuted to such causes and miscarriages are common among modern women nowadays. The statistic shows as high as 20% of annual pregnancies are miscarriages.

A surgery was scheduled for 4 days later as I needed some time to compose myself and accept this reality as well as to arrange for my work to be followed up since I will be given a week's hospitalisation leave after that.

It's difficult to break such a news to my boss and colleagues and I tried very hard to control my tears when I do so. They were so happy for me when they knew of my pregnancy. My boss was so kind to ask me to go home to rest even though we had a very important event that evening. But I turned it down because I was be even more depressed if I am left alone and I would rather keep my mind occupied with work than to be given time to let my emotions ran wild again.

Everyone came to terms including my parents and parents-in-law. I accepted the fact that I am not fated to be a mum this time. I ate well over the weekend to prepare myself for the surgery. I was immediately given a lot of tips to look after my health and womb after the surgery. I can open a shop to sell DOM and essence of chicken now.

16 June - I reported to Thomson Medical at 6am as the operations is scheduled at 8am. 2 hours need for registration, brief medical history declaration, get changed, rest on bed and waited to be wheeled into the operation theatre.

I was wheeled away to the operation theatre at 7.30am. All the previous memories of the etopic pregnancy flowed back into my mind as I stared into the rows of lights in the ceiling as I was whelled along the corridor. I was scared , but not as scared as previous. Nurses were cheerful, anaethesia doctor was talking to me all the time to keep me occupied while she poked needles into my hands.

Finally, the gynae arrived and she spoke briefly to me before the surgery began. I was put on the oxygen mask and I managed to caught a glimpse of the clock. It's 8.15am. And before I can really sleep, someone worked me up and time checked, 8.35am.

It's over. I am wheeled back to the ward to rest for 2 hours before I could get home.

I would say this operation is much easier on me and my body this time as compared to the previous. As you can see, I can now sit in front of my computer to put in this entry.

I had come to terms with it and decided to move forward. Nothing is more important to nurse my health back to normal or better.

I will continue to keep my promise to visit 4-horse road once a month although Guanyin niang niang did not bless me this time. She could be too busy blessing others who are more faithful than me. I decided to be a better follower of her now. And I accepted this could be a karma to me, for I have the most initial thought of killing the baby 10 years ago.

Nevertheless, life goes on.

It will definitely be a better tomorrow.